…and a few truisms

After much blue-sky gazing over myriad cups of coffee, I have come to the conclusion that, with regard to conflict, there are some truisms at the core of the human condition. Not often recognised, these truisms nevertheless deeply affect how we deal with one another.

  1. Problems do not exist independently of humans

People speak of ‘problems’ as if they are universal whereas each problem has an owner and is unique to that person. This is because each person has a unique set of beliefs around how the world operates. By way of a simple example, if two people each suffer a leg broken in exactly the same manner their experiences will be quite different.

If there were no humans there would be no problems!

2. We never understand another person’s problems

Directly because of (1), we never fully understand the problems of others – no matter how hard we try. Obviously, it is well worth trying but do not delude yourself that you really understand.

And yet, we keep on saying, ‘I understand exactly where you are coming from’

3. ‘Solutions’ are the source of much conflict

This one is totally counter-intuitive and requires a longer explanation.

The assumption here is that ‘solutions’ have to be good for you – and the more the better!

Yet, unless there is agreement on what problem the ‘solution’ is trying to solve, and agreement on the preferred situation, different, competing, ‘solutions’ will lead to argument divorced from resolving the actual problem.

All too frequently, a preferred ‘solution’ is put forward in the guise of a problem, for example, “The problem is that the buses are going too fast“. This implies a need to slow the buses down – clearly a solution, not a problem! I imagine that the actual problem could have been ‘People being injured by buses‘, in which case there are many other possible solutions (getting rid of the people springs to mind…)

Another, very common, difficulty with ‘solutions’ being offered in the guise of a problem is that, if a particular ‘solution’ is adopted without agreeing what it is trying to solve, in this case people being injured by buses, then the offered solution will end-up being treated as if it is ‘the problem’ and the discussion will shift on to different ways to slow down the buses – as if slowing down the buses was ‘the problem’. The unfortunate result of this is that the many other possible options for tackling ‘People being injured by buses‘ are cut out of consideration.

An easy way to flush-out a problem disguised as a solution, is to ask, ‘If what you suggest was implemented, what would change?’

When you understand where you are (the problem), and where you want to be, possible solutions will readily present themselves.

Truth versus certainty

Bertrand Russell seemed to be on the money when he said “What men (he did say it quite a while ago…) really want is not knowledge but certainty.

Politicians and conspiracy theorists seem to understand this well. Not knowing, or simple randomness, can be quite unsettling which makes a solid statement rather attractive.

Reject dependency

Some time ago, I got a shock when I visited a friend who used to be my boss many many years before but was now living in a resthome.

In those early days of working, I was well down the food chain and my friend (then my boss) was generally regarded as a substitute, if not replacement for, God: except that he had more power and authority than God.

It was a spur of the moment decision for my wife and I to go and see him and, in the event, he wasn’t there. However, during the visit, we ended up in the resthome lounge (yes, the archetypal resthome lounge) with the inmates seated in comfy chairs around the room perimeter staring into space or sleeping. Reflecting on my ex boss’s  changed situation set me thinking about the radical shifts each of these peoples’ lives had taken compared to their earlier years in which most would have likely exercised varying degrees of independence: independence that was now considerably reduced.

Over the years, I have spent a fair bit of time visiting rest homes but, for some reason, this visit knocked me between the eyes. It was a classic place, very nice with staff who were both helpful and attentive, and the food was good. But, what I found scary was the realisation that, if I somehow found myself in such a place, it could be so easy to be drawn into their (the home’s) routines and needs and become one of the people sitting around staring into space.

For my part, I was staring into a possible future and thinking ‘Hell, is this what it could hold’. The experience brought to the fore my principle of never placing responsibility for my well-being in the hands of others, no matter how well-meaning they are, unless I absolutely have to: resist to the last possible moment. It was a powerful experience.

When I got home I went for a long walk around the hills and next morning, hit the gym with a vengeance.

I have always hoped that as time progresses, I will ultimately be fortunate enough that, in great physical and mental shape, I will exit the planet by falling off a cliff (or the medical equivalent in terms of speed) thereby avoiding the rest-home scenario.

This may all sound a bit morbid but I do question how we treat the aged and, much earlier on in our lives, ourselves. Someone once said ‘If you treat a person as an eagle they will probably behave like one’ and the reverse applies.

Notwithstanding that life is capricious, if we accept being treated as becoming increasingly dependent on others while being nicely and benignly pressured into fitting the routines and needs of others, we set ourselves up for whatever comes next.

Increased ‘comfort ‘ in a rest-home is not necessarily the answer because by then it is too late to fundamentally alter our quality of life. I suspect that most times, the damage is incremental, starts much earlier, and depends on how well we evolve our attitude towards maintaining our mental and physical health, our choice of role-models and how fiercely we protect and evolve our autonomy.

My experience also raised the matter of whether, as we age, we should just give in or strive for eternal youth. My view is that neither position is useful: striving for eternal youth is bound to end in tears and ‘giving in’, as with the resthome observations, limits our potential to fully enjoy what life has to offer. However, the majority of people (taking a chance here) do little to enhance their old age, particularly with regard to maintaining their health, and accept what they see as the inevitable – ‘it’s how it is’!

But the question is, ‘For how many of the residents was their predicament inevitable?

Short story – Do something! Act now!